I already loved him...

I wrote this a while back and saved it...for such a times as this:

There is a man who I have loved as long as I can remember. It wasn’t in a Prince Charming sort of way, and it was hardly in the way that all girls will say they loved, I loved him. It was a painful love, primarily due to my lack of patience. I missed him; I missed the memories I hadn’t yet experienced. I missed him when I looked over at the empty pillow next to me. I missed him when I cooked supper or washed the dishes. I missed him at Christmas’ and when I felt all alone in the middle of a crowded room. I already loved him.

I don’t think I’m like the majority girls, though I was blessed with friends who at least understood. Most people didn’t. In middle school, I began writing to my future husband, and I now have a worn grey journal filled with short, but meaningful words just for him.

I prayed for him – really prayed for him. And I would lie in bed at night and think about him; I wondered if he slept in pajama pants or boxers? Was he asleep or on the computer? Where did he go to school? Did I ever drive past him or glance at him at the grocery store? What was he thinking about? Did he have a girlfriend? …and mostly, did he ever think of me? Could he ever possibly love me as much as I already loved him? Sometimes I would pray that God would hug him for me or let him feel that I loved him. I already loved him.

I remember one time when this love was obvious, although most people would say ridiculous. It was senior year, and all of my friends were having a Valentine’s Day party (chaperoned by parents; PG). Everyone else was dancing, but I wouldn’t…because I only wanted to dance with someone who only wanted to dance with me. It was the last dance and a few of my friends and I hid away, and we prayed for our future husbands. Crazy, right? I already loved him.

In thinking about him and loving him, I never imagined a fairy tale. I never imagined it would be perfect or that he would be. I realized that love is a verb and marriage is commitment. And I began trying to be the best I could be for him. 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5, 1 Corinthians 13, and Proverbs 31 are probably some of my most read bible passages, most studied words. A wife is to submit, respect. A husband is to love. A wife is to cheer her husband on. Never humiliate him; but wait until the two of you are alone if you disagree with something he did. Stand back and let him be strong, but whisper words of advice and encouragement in his ear. Be a conservative lady in public, realizing that you represent him – but love with unbridled passion behind closed doors. I want to be her, because I already him.

Married women who are reading this may be thinking that I don’t know because I’ve never been married. This is true. I’m not going to be a perfect wife. Sometimes I’ll be selfish, weak, stubborn, unloving. Sometimes I’ll get frustrated and say things I shouldn’t.  Sometimes I may even forget to love him. And I hardly know what I’m getting myself into. But I can’t help it, I already love him.