'Til Death Do Us Part...For Now.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it's crazy that all brides and grooms stand up on their wedding day so happy and so sure that their love is going to last forever. And yet so many marriages end. So many spouses hurt each other, leave each other, destroy each other.

I've only been married a year, so I could hardly offer this person an abundance of advice or comfort. He or she has their reasons for doubting, and I wanted to be able to fix it. I'm no marriage expert, but I do have a few thoughts on the situation. 

It is scary. That someone else holds so much power to devastate my world. That I am trusting someone else with so much of my life, my security, my reality, my heart.

But you can't let it be scary. You can't focus on the people who didn't get it right. You have to decide that not getting it right is not an option.

You have to be wise in choosing. 
And once you choose...
You have to be determined.
You have to be committed.
You have to choose to love.
You have to give it everything you've got. 
You have to never let leaving be an option.
You have to realize the other person is just a person.
You have to lean on GOD to complete you, because other people can't help but hurt you sometimes.
You have to pray a lot.
You have to laugh a lot.
You have to talk a lot. 
You have to be honest with each other.

You can't let it be scary. 

You have to let it be fun.
You have to let it challenge you and teach you.
You have to grow.
You have to be best friends.
You have to have inside jokes and things that no one else understands.
You have to surround yourself with loving friends and family.
You have to make time for just the two of you.
You have to start traditions.
You have to be silly together.
You have to look out for each other and be each others biggest fan.
You have to forgive imperfections.

 You have to choose to be married. Today and every day. 
And so far, I've found marriage to be pretty awesome. 

(In this post, I am not suggesting that anyone stay in an abusive household.
 If that is the case with your family, you should seek counseling and stay somewhere safe.)

Is this 1952?

I am a woman. Derrick is a man.

I am his wife. He is my husband.

And when God made Eve, He made her to complement Adam. To support Adam. To be Adam's partner. Lover. Friend. Person.

I think marriages need roles, and families need leaders. If you were to take a snapshot of Derrick and my life - it is pretty old-fashioned in a way.

I budget the money. He worries about the money. I love my job so so much. And we need my job. At this point in my life, there is nothing in me that doesn't want to work. But I've never felt like being the provider was my role. Most men find much of their identity and confidence in their careers. Their ability to provide. And I am completely on board to support Derrick's career dreams and be appreciative of him as the provider.

He changes the oil and mows the grass and catches mice. I clean and do the laundry and cook. Derrick likes taking care of me in the way that he is comfortable with and created for. He makes sure my car is safe. The outdoor work is done. The gross mouse that paralyzes me is dead and gone. And I take care of him in the way that I am comfortable with and created for. I nurture and nest...I do our laundry and organize it in the closet. I plan our menu and cook. I find purpose in making sure our house is clean and a warm, safe haven for our family.

I speak my opinion, and he values that. He makes the final decision, and I respect that. I hardly remember a time when I disagreed with his final decision, and letting him make the final decision doesn't mean that my opinion is any less valid than his.
A team needs a leader or else chaos will ensue. A team needs a trusted captain who has the wisdom and responsibility of listening, assessing the situation, and making the final call. That's what a husband should be in his family. The team captain. And all the team members have important parts. There would be no team without all of the other members and their talents and skills and responsibilities - but there has to be a leader. And that is no easy task. It comes with pressure and responsibility and accountability.

And when my team captain calls the wrong play and we lose the point - it's my job to love him through it, not call attention to it, and have his back. That's what marriage should be. 

So we are old fashioned. We, for the most part, fall into very traditional roles. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Marriage Monday: My Person

Derrick is my person.

He. is. my. person.

Married people understand what I mean. Those who aren't married - if it's God's will - have much to look forward to when the time is right.

See...I don't think Derrick is a perfect person.
Sometimes he's a frustrating person.
Sometimes he's a silly person.
Sometimes he's the cutest person...sometimes he's not.

I know, better than anyone, Derrick's imperfections. I know and experience when he's having an off day or the best day. When he's ready to give up. When he's on top of his game.

But, no matter what, he's my person.

My person I can be completely crazy around. Completely vulnerable. Completely absurd. Completely real. 

I think that's what makes marriage. And makes marriage work.

Because he's my person. More than my partner, lover and friend. My person. Forever. We are intertwined. Our lives are one.

I think Wuthering Heights explains it best...

" If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it... My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.” 

Marriage Monday is back...

I really want to get back in the routine of posting regularly - and with specific topics in mind...

So...Marriage Monday is back!

I was going to give you some insight on married life from my wonderful husband - but he declined the interview. :)

Then I was going to share marriage quotes with you. Other people's encouraging words and inspiring insights...but instead I want to talk about one specific quote.

If I get married, I want to be very married.
Audrey Hepburn

I love this. Too many people get married and only give 50 %. They're either lovers or best friends or partners - but they forget to be all of it.

I want to be very married.

Make decisions with my husband.

Talk about life with each other.

Worship together. 

Laugh together. 

Dance together.

Kiss a lot. 

Go out with friends and make memories together.

Be a homemaker and take care of our house. 

Dress up and look nice as a reflection of my husband.

Be a Proverbs 31 wife.

Cook dinner for us and eat together.  

Work at it together.

Share life and moments and adventures.

Vacation together.

Spend time with family together. 

Celebrate each day. Each moment. Each month.

Do it all together and wholly and completely.

I want to be very married.

So, what should you expect coming up on Marriage Monday?  

Special guest interviews from newlyweds, a couple who has been married for over 30 years, a couple who got married in their 40's, and - of course - normal Renee thoughts :) Plus, our one year anniversary will be here very soon!

10 months already!

As of August 1, I will have been married for 10 months! We just booked our first anniversary cruise today - woot! It's still weird for me that I'm Derrick's wife. But I can hardly remember what it was like before we were married...and every day has been a blessing, a learning experience, an adventure, a memory...

What advice would I give you about marriage after 10 months (and, yes, I know it isn't that long...but I still have advice)...

1. Choose to love. Yep, love's most important function is an action, not a feeling - especially when you don't feel it.

2. Compliment and appreciate. Build each other up and take time to notice.

3. Hang out. Be best friends. Watch your favorite show together, laugh together, tickle each other, do every day life together. For better or worse.

4. Worship together. Go to church together, serve together, pray together.

5. Sing and dance and laugh. Singing's our favorite.

6. Be okay not always being together. And be okay always being together.

7. Know when it's not worth fighting over. When it's not worth hurting over. Most things that annoy you in that moment aren't worth hurting your marriage or your person over. One thing I am not okay with in marriage is bashing or putting down the other person - whether or not they're around.

8. Make time for family and friends together. Derrick and I love our time with our family and friends...it gives us opportunities to grow in friendship with others, to make new memories, to inspire and be inspired, and to grow as a couple and individuals.

9. Hug each other. Probably my most consistently favorite part of the day is the after-work hug. I rest in it. I feel safe in it. I feel loved. The world, the day, the dinner...all disappears for just a moment. 

10. Look at the big picture. Dream together. See every blessing. Celebrate every small victory. Enjoy every memory. Treasure every small romance. Pause the chaos and look at every dream come true. Don't be so caught up in being busy that you ignore being blessed.

Pillow talk

As a teenager, there was one part of marriage that I was looking forward to the most.

I would lay in bed, stare at the empty pillow beside me, and wonder who it would one day belong to. Imagine him being there. Long for him. Pray for him. 

I couldn't wait for pillow talk. Whispers in the darkness. Someone on the other side of the bed. 

 

Last night, despite my normal tendency  to head to bed with a book in my hand earlier than most, I wasn't tired when we got in bed at 10:45. It was probably due to the fact that we had a wonderful weekend - full of friends and family, house cleaning, grass mowing, video game playing, work accomplishments,  etc. 

Sitting up on my elbows, I asked Derrick what his week looked like at work...I figured he would be tired, uninterested, and give me a short answer. 

...Two hours later we were finally attempting to go to sleep.

It was a sleepover kind of night. Young ladies out there know what I mean. When girls have sleepovers, they don't spend hours into the night playing video games, instead they get in their sleeping bag, turn out the lights, and spend hours whispering "what ifs" and "i wish" into the darkness. They say what's on their mind and in their hearts until finally the last one speaks to a quiet, sleeping audience. Then they too will roll over and drift off.

Derrick and I did that. We talked about work. About life. About church. A little bit about everything. We shot whispers into the darkness. Shared our heart. Shared our frustrations. Shared our blessings.

It was one of my absolute favorite nights since we've been married. A night full of pillow talk. Laughter with my best friend. Life-talk with my partner. Seeing the heart of my husband. Teenage Renee's dream come true. A reminder of my blessings.

After knowing each other six years, dating over three, and being married nine months, most of our conversations our pretty simple. Every day. But sometimes a moment will catch you off guard and pour out blessings...

"You down there..."

I knew I needed to blog today. It's been a while. But I had no strong inspiration. So I found one of those "20 questions about you..." type deals and was planning to post my answers. It wouldn't be a particularly inspiring blog, but hopefully at least a little interesting. Good enough.

But then it happened. God inspired me through a whisper...

Sometimes when Derrick and I are in different rooms...or sitting on different couches...we'll say "I love you in there.", "I love you over there.", "I love you out there.", etc. 

Tonight he was on his computer in his office and, since he likes me just being there with him, I had sprawled out on the floor in the same room to fold towels and do my James devotion. In the middle of my reading, I hear a whisper from above me.

"I love you down there." Derrick smiled down. Making me feel loved. Safe. Sure. 

"I love you up there." I assured him. 

And then - in that same split second - I knew what I should write about. 

Sometimes we're going through life...feeling alone. Frustrated. Confused. We feel like giving up. We feel like no one would notice if we just stopped altogether. And then, like a warm blanket on the coldest night, God softly whispers "I love you down there."

Sometimes we're celebrating our blessings. We're falling in love. Getting married. Having a baby. Landing our dream job. Traveling the world. Listening to our favorite song on the radio. Basking in the warmth of a good book. Laughing with the best of friends. And, if we pause a minute, we can hear God whispering, "I love you down there."

Isn't that the best feeling? To know that we are loved. Safe. Sure. Someone cared enough to send His Son to die for us. Someone cares what you're going through. Someone is going through it with you. And not just someone - but the Creator and King over all. 

Close your eyes and listen. He's whispering to you. Beckoning you. Reassuring you. Caring for you....

"I love you down there."

And take a moment to thank Him. Adore Him. Worship Him. Praise Him. Whisper back. 

"I love You up there."

Communication

Communication. 

Derrick and I have our degrees in it. But I can promise you - even after 4 years of classes and a lot of other personal research - I am not a perfect communicator. 

I enjoy philosophical conversations. "What if...", "Why do you think God did that...", "Do you think if _______ happened then ________ would happen?", "Do you think that God allows a song to come on the radio just for you?"...

Derrick prefers conversations about his passion: video. And I am in awe and envious of the way he can know so much about one subject. His ability to research, learn, and discuss videographer always amazes me.

Of course, 75% of our conversation is just 5-year-old best friend speak: "You're cute", "You're fun", "You're awesome", "You're funny","You're my best friend", "You're ridiculous", "You're crazy"... And, while those things seem silly and not-so-important much of the foundation of our relationship is appreciating each other and sharing that often and in many ways. Compliments and appreciation are a part of communication.

While we don't always communicate like we should or in the same ways, I think that communication is such an important part of my relationship with Derrick. My relationship with God. And of any relationship.

One thing I love about Derrick and my relationship - and hope for my relationship with God - is that we try to have a constant flow of communication about everything. All the day to day stuff. 

I try to talk it over with Derrick before making plans with friends, making appointments outside of work, inviting people over, etc. I want to share my life with him and consider him before making plans.

Derrick always enjoys talking with me about what he's thinking about buying before he buys it. He wants to share his life with me and hear my thoughts before making bigger purchases.

When I think he's said something that I don't agree with or something that has hurt me, I wait until we're alone, and I respectfully share my heart and my hurt with him.  How you communicate - your tone, your heart, your words - is so important to your relationship to.

We aren't perfect. And sometimes we don't talk about some things we should, and it presents a problem later. But I think too many couples - families, friends - don't discuss their daily lives with one another. They don't want to share their plans or their passion or their purchases or their heart or their hurt. Before they know it, they don't know how to get back. They don't know how to talk. They don't know how to be partners in life.

If you're going to choose to share your life with someone, then choose to share your life with them.

No honeymoon stage?

This past weekend I was asked if Derrick and I were still in the honeymoon stage (after five months of marriage)...

Without much hesitation I answered no. I don't think we really had much of a honeymoon stage. (as most people would define it)

You are probably feeling sorry for me. Thinking my marriage must be horrible. Praying for that we can work through this. Thinking of advice to give me to reignite the passion in our relationship.

Well, stop worrying. I love my marriage. I love my husband. And I feel so so so incredibly blessed in so many ways. Life aside from Derrick is happy...life with Derrick is so much happier.

When we went from dating to being engaged to being married the transition was smooth. It felt natural. Normal. It was weird how normal and comfortable it felt. In a good way. Sure, there were some big changes...some things we're still getting used to. Parts of each other we're still learning. And we don't have life figured out yet. But marriage - for us - wasn't some huge step. It was just right. 

Derrick and I have always had comfortable chemistry. Passionate friendship. We've always been able to talk about almost anything. Be silly together. Be flirty together. Be boring together. Be ridiculous together. And we've always been best friends. The first few months we dated, there were bird-size butterflies, interrupting fireworks, and awkward pauses. Heck, I couldn't yawn around him the first few months for fear he was paying attention. But things quickly settled back into a soft soundtrack and the whispers of laughter.

So, when I say there hasn't been an obvious honeymoon stage, I'm saying that it wasn't like we woke up married, making out all the time, couldn't keep our hands off each other, always had to be together, ignoring each others faults, in pure absolute bliss...and one day we'll wake up from this honeymoon stage and he'll realize I don't close the mustard cap and I'll realize that he never fixes the bed and we'll just want to watch television in our pajamas.

I'm saying that our life is both of those...passion and pajamas. Mixed in together. Settled. Comfortable. Romantic.  Friendship of the most wonderful kind.

We still have a lot to learn. There will be days with little passion. Days with no romance. Days of frustration. Days when we do realize something new and annoying.

But I like watching television on the couch in our pajamas. I like the simple traditions and quiet nights. I like our routine. I like the spontaneous living room slow dance or stolen kisses. I like the crazy, retarded laughter. I like that we know each other and are settled. I like that we're still learning. I'm trying to remember to close the mustard cap and be patient when the bed's not made ;) And figuring out life together - while it might not be easy at times - is such an awesome blessing.

I like my best friend. And I like going through life together - through the good and bad.

So here's to no honeymoon stage but a forever friendship with ups and downs, good and bad, laughter and tears...learning life together. 

 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,  two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

What can I do to be better today?

I think that an important part of marriage - and life - is to wake up each day and ask yourself "What can I do to be better today?" What can I do to be a better wife? To show my love? To appreciate him? What can I do to be better at work? To reach out to more people? To be a better daughter? Friend? What can I do to touch someone today?

I challenge all of us to not settle...Not to settle in our marriage. In our jobs. With our friends. With our family. In our Christian walk. But to always be looking for little ways to be a little more. To do a little more. To encourage someone a little more.

 

Send a text of encouragement. 

Write an email to someone you haven't talked to in a while...and tell them what you miss about them. 

Call someone and actually have a conversation.

Put an expo marker in the bathroom...and write your husband/children/wife notes of encouragement. 

Put a note in your husband's lunch. Just to say thanks for working so hard.

Talk to someone you normally just walk past.

Have dinner with an old friend. Or a new friend.

Visit your grandma. 

Send someone a link to "your song". The one that always made you laugh. Or cry. The one that takes you back. 

Send a letter in the mail. Or just a card to tell someone you're thinking of them.

Smile at those you walk by.

Say nice things when you think of them. Don't let a compliment go unsaid. 

Share God's love and plan of salvation with someone (I'm still working on this one myself).

Wear your husband's favorite outfit, watch his favorite movie, or actually play video games with him (again, I don't do this as much as I should).

When a person crosses your mind take a minute to say hello.

Pray for someone. Really pray for them. 

Dance with your husband in the kitchen.

Send him an encouraging - and sexy - text message. 

Think of personal - and creative - new ways to share your love with your husband (or anyone).

Buy someone something...just because. (Something inexpensive but personal). 

These are just a few ideas of simple ways to be an encouragement. Pick one or two to do this week - it will encourage you just as much as it does the other person.