Boast about my weaknesses.

I am going to be completely vulnerable and honest with you tonight. And I debated whether or not to share this post. But it was on my heart and maybe it will resonate with someone. 

 Tonight, in the middle of worship, I had a moment. A moment when I thought about all the heaviness and burden and sin and Satan that God helps me overcome. Not once but daily. Not as a memory but as a reality

I guess we each have stuff. We have obvious stuff. We have hidden stuff. We have human stuff. We have spiritual stuff. We have physical stuff. Stuff everyone knows about. Stuff no one knows about. Even as you read this, you probably can think of your own stuff.

Paul had stuff. He called it his "thorn in the flesh". And it was real to him. It reminded him of why He needed a Savior for today and for eternity. It made life in Christ a refreshing blessing. And it made the promise of heaven even more beautiful. 

Well, I have stuff too.

I have a physical and mental thorn.

Over a year ago, on October 2, 2012, I woke up in the middle of the night unable to get a full breath. I was terrified; my sweet mom got a 2 a.m. call and quickly came over to calm me down. My amazing husband stayed up all night with me - watching Matilda and The Walking Dead. I felt like I would never feel okay again. 

The doctors found nothing wrong. For the few months, it was like I was constantly wearing a corset. I felt stuck. Suffocating. You know that scene in Titanic where Rose is about to jump? That's how it felt. Derrick and I actually slept on the couch with the TV on for weeks - because I couldn't sleep in the darkness of our bedroom.It was hard for me to ride in a car for a long period of time or be out of my comfort zone. Being in crowds or being obligated to be at a function was suffocating. I wanted Derrick near me constantly. It was a crippling, veiled form of anxiety - and it was very real to me.

Now, I thank God for every full breath I can take. Every good nights sleep in our cozy bed. I am thankful that I can travel without feeling like I need to be home. That I can take road trips without feeling imprisoned. That I can be surrounded by wonderful people, having fun. And that Derrick is my best friend but not my crutch. Sometimes I can feel myself getting panicky again - but, by God's grace, I overcome.

I have other stuff. I have a spiritual thorn. 

Since I was fourteen, I've gone through seasons of doubt. I doubt God. I question God. But not on your typical stuff. I don't wonder why so and so is sick or why this person was in an accident...

I question big God stuff. Stuff far beyond the realm of human understanding. Like, why did OT believers have to go through so many sacrifices and follow so many rules? Why did God have to send His Son to save us if He knew we were going to sin from the beginning? And we all have a sin nature by birth so is it really our fault we sin? Why did God create people any way? He knew some people would go to hell. What if I don't really believe enough? What if I'm not doing enough?

I go through times where these questions weigh me down. Burden me. Cause me to feel depressed. I struggle with the feeling that I have to make sense of God. That I have to understand Him, and that if I don't, I must not really know Him. These seasons, these moments, are my darkest days. And it's not something I can make sense of or logically wrap my mind around. 

I have to trust. I have to understand that if I understood God, He wouldn't be God and I wouldn't need Him. I love the moments when God overcomes me. When He removes me from myself and overwhelms me with His graciousness. And I have to submit my thorns to Him daily. In each moment.

Those are just two examples of my stuff. Other stuff - the sin stuff, my flesh vs. my spirit - is a daily struggle for me just like it is for you. 

See, I can say that God's grace is sufficient for me. But it doesn't become real until I am weak. 

"...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

2 Corinthians 12:7-10